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illinirazorback Jan 31, 2010 09:27 PM

Jokes
 
Don't know if this has been done, but every now and then I come across a great joke to share with my friends. Don't really want to start a new thread for each joke, so I thought maybe a thread dedicated to jokes would be fun. Naturally, crude jokes welcome...


A man seeking to join a south Texas sheriffs dept. is being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

4ever Jan 31, 2010 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirazorback (Post 272030)
Don't know if this has been done, but every now and then I come across a great joke to share with my friends. Don't really want to start a new thread for each joke, so I thought maybe a thread dedicated to jokes would be fun. Naturally, crude jokes welcome...


A man seeking to join a south Texas sheriffs dept. is being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

:laugh::laugh::thumb:

On a serious note but still very funny. Once when we were taking job applications for a patrolmans posistion, this knucklehead comes in and asks for an app. We give him one. He has an extensive crim history including driving while license suspended. He gets to the part where it says "who to contact in case of emergency" he replies "AMBULANCE"....:laugh::laugh:

No kidding..saw the app myself.

illinirazorback Jan 31, 2010 09:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4ever (Post 272034)
:laugh::laugh::thumb:

On a serious note but still very funny. Once when we were taking job applications for a patrolmans posistion, this knucklehead comes in and asks for an app. We give him one. He has an extensive crim history including driving while license suspended. He gets to the part where it says "who to contact in case of emergency" he replies "AMBULANCE"....:laugh::laugh:

No kidding..saw the app myself.

:laugh: I'm sure there's an appropriate joke about all cops here somewhere....

4ever Jan 31, 2010 09:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirazorback (Post 272037)
:laugh: I'm sure there's an appropriate joke about all cops here somewhere....

bring it on...;) I think I have heard em all. Ok, how about a donut joke.

illinirazorback Jan 31, 2010 10:06 PM

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home in Iowa... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ed did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ed was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'Ed! Wake up! You sh!t the bed!'

cmore Feb 3, 2010 06:28 PM

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Illini1956 Feb 3, 2010 07:18 PM

How do you keep a fish from smelling?







Hold its nose.

cmore Feb 3, 2010 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cmore (Post 273805)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

ilphotog Feb 3, 2010 08:44 PM

http://www.ncbuy.com/humor/jokes_view.html?jkv=12201

http://www.ncbuy.com/humor/jokes_view.html?jkv=10408

davidlee930 Feb 3, 2010 11:12 PM

what do you call a deer with no ears

davidlee930 Feb 3, 2010 11:12 PM

d

KBLEE Feb 4, 2010 06:43 AM

Did you hear the one about the guy who went to the psychiatrist's office dressed only in Saran Wrap?



The psychiatrist looked at him and said, "I can clearly see your nuts."

NV Illini 74 Feb 4, 2010 09:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirazorback (Post 272049)
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home in Iowa... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ed did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ed was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'Ed! Wake up! You sh!t the bed!'

Awesome. Razor!!

danielb927 Feb 4, 2010 10:36 AM

Hey, I thought of a bad one in chem today:

Q: What did the power plant owner leave his kids?

A: The family Joules.

illinirazorback Feb 4, 2010 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by danielb927 (Post 274077)
Hey, I thought of a bad one in chem today:

Q: What did the power plant owner leave his kids?

A: The family Joules.

:tsk:

:laugh:

illynifan34 Feb 4, 2010 11:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by danielb927 (Post 274077)
Hey, I thought of a bad one in chem today:

Q: What did the power plant owner leave his kids?

A: The family Joules.

Nerd joke. I love it!

bmb777 Feb 4, 2010 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4ever (Post 272034)
:laugh::laugh::thumb:

On a serious note but still very funny. Once when we were taking job applications for a patrolmans posistion, this knucklehead comes in and asks for an app. We give him one. He has an extensive crim history including driving while license suspended. He gets to the part where it says "who to contact in case of emergency" he replies "AMBULANCE"....:laugh::laugh:

No kidding..saw the app myself.

well the man is stupid lol. but I suppose when you are stupid, putting ambulance under who to contact in case of emergency would be correct. unless of course the emergency is you are on fire(and when you are that stupid odds are 50/50 you will set yourself on fire at least one point in your life) you would want to contact fire dept. and not ambulance.

danielb927 Feb 4, 2010 02:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illynifan34 (Post 274089)
Nerd joke. I love it!

That's one semester of UIUC Engineering school at its finest :thumb:

theOriginalBluesBrother Feb 5, 2010 04:33 AM

Jokes, huh... ;)


Okay. Jeopardy style: Jokes.

What are "Governors of Illinois not named Edgar?"

:D

Illini1956 Feb 7, 2010 04:15 PM

A woman applying for a job at a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."

IlliniSteve Feb 7, 2010 11:10 PM

Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?




Because his pecker is on his head!

Illini1956 Feb 13, 2010 08:00 PM

When the Police Officer asks you, "Have you been drinking? Your eyes are red."

Don't reply, "Have you been eating donuts,? Your eyes are glazed."

Illini1956 Feb 13, 2010 08:30 PM

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?


A small medium at large.

IlliniAmy Mar 3, 2011 07:42 PM

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nuthin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment ye set foot in th' place, they'll buy ye a drink, then another, all the drinks ye like, actually. Then, when ye've had enough drinks, they'll take ye upstairs and see dat ye gets laid, all on th' house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" -they asked.

"Well Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times ..."

DaytonIllini Mar 3, 2011 08:58 PM

It was a cold autumn evening. Sven and Hans were fishing from a small skiff in Minnesota. Both decided it was time to relieve themselves over the railing.

A short while later as they stood side by side Hans looked at Sven and proclaimed, "Sven, the water is cold tonight."

Glancing at Hans, Sven countered, "Aye, and Deep."

danielb927 Mar 3, 2011 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaytonIllini (Post 409157)
It was a cold autumn evening. Sven and Hans were fishing from a small skiff in Minnesota. Both decided it was time to relieve themselves over the railing.

A short while later as they stood side by side Hans looked at Sven and proclaimed, "Sven, the water is cold tonight."

Glancing at Hans, Sven countered, "Aye, and Deep."

That's a classic, I always heard/told it with two Texans, though!

illinirazorback Mar 3, 2011 10:04 PM

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Rooster Mar 4, 2011 07:42 AM

What do you say to a woman with no arms, and no legs?

Rooster Mar 4, 2011 07:42 AM

Nice T!t$!

ILLbuschman Mar 4, 2011 08:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IlliniAmy (Post 409129)
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nuthin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment ye set foot in th' place, they'll buy ye a drink, then another, all the drinks ye like, actually. Then, when ye've had enough drinks, they'll take ye upstairs and see dat ye gets laid, all on th' house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" -they asked.

"Well Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times ..."

Haha! That's about the only really funny one of the bunch. Nice.

ILLbuschman Mar 4, 2011 08:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaytonIllini (Post 409157)
It was a cold autumn evening. Sven and Hans were fishing from a small skiff in Minnesota. Both decided it was time to relieve themselves over the railing.

A short while later as they stood side by side Hans looked at Sven and proclaimed, "Sven, the water is cold tonight."

Glancing at Hans, Sven countered, "Aye, and Deep."

This joke was made famous in the movie Sling Blade, one of my favorites. He uses a guy from Arkansas and a guy from California.

Waam Mar 4, 2011 06:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirazorback (Post 409174)
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

BWAHAHAHAHAAHA!! still cracking up at this

illinirazorback Mar 4, 2011 09:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Waam (Post 409460)
BWAHAHAHAHAAHA!! still cracking up at this

Yeah, took me like 10 minutes to calm down after I read it the first time.

SaltLife Mar 4, 2011 10:52 PM

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,

"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.

Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.

It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."


A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. “Why don’t you play your age?” he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put all her money on the table.

The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. “Did she win?” he asked. “No” replied the attendant. “She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in.


While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him.
“Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”
“Dear God! Did you try to stop him?”
“No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”

Waam Mar 5, 2011 03:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirazorback (Post 409476)
Yeah, took me like 10 minutes to calm down after I read it the first time.

still smile everytime. you got to find more.

4ever Mar 5, 2011 04:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirazorback (Post 409174)
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

Damn Razor...Glad I ckd this thread out. That was good...real good.

DaytonIllini Mar 5, 2011 05:43 PM

Fred and Mary were married for 54 years. With Mary on her deathbed and Fred dutifully in attendance she whispered to him. "Fred, open my hope chest."

Now Fred had never gone in the chest at the end of the bed throughout their marriage. He had always been faithful and respected her privacy. He opened the chest and found $400 and three ears of corn.

"What is the corn doing in here Mary?"

"Fred, as I approach the end, I have to be honest with you. Every time I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn in the chest."

Fred was stunned and almost fell over from shock. All he could do was pace back and forth mumbling to himself. "She cheated on me? When? With whom? How could she?" After getting his bearings and realizing that Mary was dying he felt he better forgive her.

"Mary, I forgive you for cheating on me. We had a good marriage and three times in 54 years is not too bad."

"Thanks Fred. I wanted your forgiveness."

"Mary, what's the $400 in the chest for."

"Oh. Every time I got a bushel of corn in there I sold it and put the cash in the chest."

:faint:

danielb927 Mar 5, 2011 07:03 PM

So Harry and John are out one morning for a round of golf. On the ninth green, they spot a funeral procession driving by. Harry stops from lining up his putt, takes off his hat, and stands and watches while the procession drives by. John, surprised, says:

"Wow Harry, that was really nice of you."

Harry looks over and says:

"Well, it's the least I could do. After all, we were married for 30 years."

DrewD007 Mar 6, 2011 01:51 AM

http://www.fireandreamitchell.com/wp...arah-palin.jpg

Am I doing it right?

illinirazorback Mar 6, 2011 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrewD007 (Post 409820)
Am I doing it right?

Sure.

http://transition2008.files.wordpres...bamabarack.jpg

Waam Mar 6, 2011 02:07 PM

haha....

NV Illini 74 Mar 6, 2011 05:16 PM

Far out far eastern medical advice for westerners:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Ice Cream even better - everything Cow eats in one package!

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. All people who don't drink unhappy - happy people live longer so drink more. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. More people killed running on street than lying on couch. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: What about food additives?
A: You want to complain about something for free? If it added - must be better - like fuel additive!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"



AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

NV Illini 74 Mar 6, 2011 05:20 PM

In the spirit of tax time:

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

NV Illini 74 Mar 6, 2011 05:21 PM

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

bmb777 Mar 7, 2011 12:58 AM

* Lawyer: “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
* Witness: “I only have one, you know.”

* Lawyer: “Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?”
* Witness: “By death.”
* Lawyer: “And by whose death was it terminated?”

* Accused, Defending His Own Case: “Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?”

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

* Lawyer: “What is your date of birth?”
* Witness: “July 15th.”
* Lawyer: “What year?”
* Witness: “Every year.”


Lawyer: “Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?”
* Witness: “No. He was wearing a mask.”
* Lawyer: “What was he wearing under the mask?”
* Witness: “Er…his face.”

* Lawyer: “This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?”
* Witness: “Yes.”
* Lawyer: “And in what ways does it affect your memory?”
* Witness: “I forget.”
* Lawyer: “You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?”


Lawyer: “Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?”
* Witness: “Yes.”
* Lawyer: “Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”
* Witness: “Yes, sir.”
* Lawyer: “What did she say?”
* Witness: “‘What disco am I at?’”

* Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
* Witness: “No.”
* Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
* Witness: “No.”
* Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
* Witness: “No.”
* Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
* Witness: “No.”
* Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
* Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
* Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
* Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

* Lawyer: “Do you know how far pregnant you are now?”
* Witness: “I’ll be three months on November 8.”
* Lawyer: “Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?”
* Witness: “Yes.”
* Lawyer: “What were you doing at that time?”

* Lawyer: “How many times have you committed suicide?”
* Witness: “Four times.”


* Lawyer: “She had three children, right?”
* Witness: “Yes.”
* Lawyer: “How many were boys?”
* Witness: “None.”
* Lawyer: “Were there girls?”

NV Illini 74 Mar 9, 2011 09:32 AM

These are making the rounds:

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Ø War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø I always take life with a grain of salt; plus a slice of lemon; and a shot of tequila.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

SaltLife Mar 9, 2011 12:53 PM

warning label on washing machine
http://l.yimg.com/a/i/us/sh/washing-machine-large.jpg

Warning label on chainsaw
http://l.yimg.com/a/i/us/sh/0223_war...aw_485x340.jpg

In Pictures: 24 Stunningly Dumb Warning Labels

NV Illini 74 Mar 14, 2011 09:44 AM

The Longest Password:

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

longlivetheredhorde Mar 20, 2011 05:45 PM

It's a man's first day in prison and he's really nervous. And an older convict comes up to him and says, "hey kid, take it easy, prison life's ok." The man says, "It is?" And the old man says, "absolutely, let me ask you something, do you like Italian food?" The man says, "yeah I love Italian food." The older convict says, "every monday we cook a big Italian dinner, and let me ask you, do you like baseball?" He says, " I love baseball." The convict replies, "every tuesday we play a baseball game in the yard, and then he says, do you like movies?" The guy says, "I love movies." The convict says, "every wednesday, we show first run movies in the auditorium." The older convict then says, "let me ask you something else, are you a homosexual?" The guy says "No." The older convict says, "oh, you're not going to like Thursdays."

SaltLife Apr 13, 2011 08:36 AM

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."

NV Illini 74 Apr 13, 2011 09:22 AM

A Fairy Tale (relayed from the front)

Once upon a time, a Navy Pilot asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!!”

So the pilot lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, made many deployments, got good promotions and duty stations and made love to skinny big-breasted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to men's clubs and dated women half his age and drank Whiskey, Beer, Tequila, Rum, did shooters and Flaming Hookers and hosed cheerleaders, almost movie stars, barmaids and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work or on a deployment and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank, never heard !!!!!ing and never paid child support or alimony, and left the toilet seat up.

The End

DaytonIllini Apr 14, 2011 08:56 PM

Not really jokes but funny comments I have seen on the internet:

Quote:

Please use the comments to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data, ability to repeat discredited memes, and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Also, be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor even implied. Any irrelevancies you can mention will also be appreciated. Lastly, kindly forgo all civility in your discourse . . . you are, after all, anonymous.

or heard on the radio

Quote:

What you say is the most insanely idiotic thing I have ever heard. It is devoid of any rational thought. We are all dumber for having listened to your comments.

bmb777 Apr 15, 2011 03:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaytonIllini (Post 427551)
Not really jokes but funny comments I have seen on the internet:



or heard on the radio

also not really a joke, but earlier this week I made my facebook status as "I think gas pumps are rigged to go 1 cent over what you want" well my cousin had a funny reply. he said "I think gas pumps are rigged to bend me over and give me a gasoline enema"

KBLEE Apr 15, 2011 08:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaytonIllini (Post 427551)
or heard on the radio

That's actually from the Adam Sandler movie, Billy Madison:

Quote:

Mr. Madison, what you've just said ... is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

DaytonIllini Apr 15, 2011 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBLEE (Post 427607)
That's actually from the Adam Sandler movie, Billy Madison:

Nice! Thanks for the source and actual material. :thumb:

Waam Apr 15, 2011 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBLEE (Post 427607)
That's actually from the Adam Sandler movie, Billy Madison:

took a man with talent to write that lol.

nyillinois Apr 15, 2011 07:13 PM

Taking cue from Dayton's post, here are some funny insults :)

If you move to Scout forum, you'll increase the average IQ of both the message boards

Well I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

The plural of anecdote is not data

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know. (Lincoln).

I wish Stanley Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never lived (Churchill).

I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said (Buckley)

bmb777 Apr 16, 2011 12:32 AM

A pre-med student takes an examination and the last question is: Give four advantages of breast milk.

The student begins to answer the question: No need to sterilize bottles, healthier for the child, available whenever necessary. But the fourth point escapes him. With a minute left to finish the test he gives a desperate answer: Available in attractive containers.

NV Illini 74 Apr 16, 2011 09:08 AM

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,"by check."

"I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

longlivetheredhorde Apr 20, 2011 09:07 PM

Originates from the movie Good Will Hunting (f word taken out)

You know, I was on this plane once, and I’m sittin there, and the captain gets on and does his whole you know “we’ll be cruising at 35,000 feet,” but then he put puts the mic down and forgets to turn it off. And he turns to the co-pilot and he’s like “you know, all I could use right now is a blow job and a cup of coffee.” So the stewardess goes bombing up from the back of the plane to tell him that his microphone’s still on and this guy in the back of the plane’s like “hey hun, don't forget the coffee”

IlliniSteve Apr 21, 2011 10:45 PM

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?




......You don't know! You weren't there man! You'll never know!

cmore Apr 22, 2011 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IlliniSteve (Post 429043)
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?




......You don't know! You weren't there man! You'll never know!

very poor taste. but ill admit i still laughed. good joke.

SaltLife Apr 22, 2011 02:29 PM

Gangster’s tattoo showing murder scene leads to his conviction
Quote:

If Anthony Garcia wasn't regretting that huge tattoo inked across his chest before, he sure must be now. That's because it was the Los Angeles gangster's body art that tipped off law enforcement to his role in an unsolved murder--and ultimately helped lead to his conviction. In short, as Los Angeles Times reporter Robert Faturechi notes, Garcia drew cops a map of the crime scene--on himself. It's not unusal for gang members to get tattoos that reference events in their lives--either symbolically or literally--as a way to impress their peers. But Homicide Lt. Dave Dolson said a tattoo that actually laid out its owner's involvement in an unsolved murder was something new.
:laugh:

pizzaman Apr 26, 2011 11:58 AM

Just got this from one of my old UI roommates:

My wife and I are sitting on the deck enjoying a spring day.

She says, "I love you."

Of course I ask, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me............. talking to the wine."

SaltLife May 2, 2011 04:20 PM

12 uncomfortably sexual company logos

Quote:

A logo is the graphic representation of a brand, but for these companies, "graphic" is an understatement. It's actually pretty remarkable how many of these unsubtle innuendos slipped past the companies who approved them. They clearly need to hire more perverts.
http://static.someecards.com/someeca...71ac2f23b9.jpg

http://static.someecards.com/someeca...713375b3d6.png
Brazilian Institute of Oriental Studies

http://static.someecards.com/someeca...71cec2ea71.jpg

http://static.someecards.com/someeca...711232aa2e.jpg

BasketOfKittens May 8, 2011 03:11 PM

My personal fave:

Q: Why does it take a woman longer to reach orgasm than it does a man?

A: Who cares?

bmb777 May 22, 2011 01:50 AM

Two guys are talking, when first guy asks second guy what would you do if a nuclear bomb was going to explode and kill everyone in half an hour? Second guy says I would screw the first thing that moved, he then asks first guy what would you do? First guy says I would stand very very still for half an hour.

bmb777 Jun 19, 2011 12:59 AM

A guy is suffering from severe headaches. The doctor says "I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."

wpr Jun 19, 2011 09:34 PM

An elderly couple were sitting in chairs on their front porch. The wife was knitting and her husband reading the newspaper. They had done this every evening for years. Most evenings they didn't talk very much.
One evening they had been sitting there for about an hour without speaking when the wife reached over and hit her husband just as hard as she could knocking him out of his chair an on to the porch. His paper went one direction and his glasses in another. He picked himself up, grabbed his glasses and pulled the paper back together. He sat back down and for the longest time he didn't say anything. Finally after about 15 minutes he looked over at his wife and asked her what that was for.
"That was for being such a lousy lover for all these years." And she went on knitting. Her husband didn't say a word. He went back to reading his paper. Finally after about a half an hour he smacked her with the back of his hand knocking her out of her chair. Her knitting ball rolled off the porch. Her glasses into the nearby planter.
She picked herself up, pulled her self together and sat back down. After a little while her curiosity got the better of her and she asked her husband what that was for.
He replied, "That was for knowing the difference."

bmb777 Jul 9, 2011 10:25 PM

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him, as they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, let’s go to my apartment....I hear somebody coming.

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'my ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts. They are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my buns are firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...That was me.'

bmb777 Sep 28, 2011 01:48 AM

2 jokes.

and old man is stopped for speeding at 2am. the officer asks him where is he going at 2am? he tells the cop he's going to a lecture about alcohol abuse, stopping smoking, and staying out too late. officer asks him who is giving that lecture at 2am? the man replies, my wife.


and 2nd joke

Little Johnny’s father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

‘I don’t want to know,’ Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused his father asks what is wrong. ‘Oh daddy,’ Johnny sobs. ‘At age six I got the “there is no Santa” speech. At age seven I got the “there is no Easter bunny” speech. Then at age eight you hit me with the “there is no tooth fairy” speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really screw, I’ve got nothing left to live for.”

NV Illini 74 Nov 8, 2011 10:31 AM

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."


(Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)

AzIlliniFan Nov 8, 2011 02:24 PM

^^ I like it ! ^^

illinirazorback Nov 9, 2011 02:39 PM

Very Short Story

Woman driving down road.
Man driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Man yells out window, PIG!
Woman yells out window, A$$HOLE!
Woman rounds next curve.
Woman crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:

If women would just listen.

NV Illini 74 Nov 9, 2011 04:02 PM

A cold front moves in and a little bird realizes he should have migrated south some time ago.
Frantically, the bird takes off, but soon his wings begin icing over, and he crashes into a farmer's field.
Near death, a cow passes by a $hit$ on the bird.
Bemoaning his fate, the bird soon discovers that the $hit has thawed his wings, and he would survive and soon be on his way again!
Overjoyed, the little bird begins to sing a happy song.
Hearing this, the farmer's cat tracks down the source of the music and eats the bird.

There are no less than 3 morals to this story:

1. He who $hits on you is not necessarily your enemy;
2. He who gets you out of the $hit is not necessarily your friend; and
3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of $hit... KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT ! !

:D

gibb52 Nov 9, 2011 08:23 PM

Stunning Blonde applies for an FBI job. She goes for an interview. Her interviewer says "I'm just going to start with a few simple questions"

Who's buried in Grant's Tomb? She thinks for quite a while, then says "Grant, I think".
"Splendid" comes the reply

"What color are blueberries"? Blue! Blue! she blurts.

Who shot Abraham Lincoln? She cannot answer, has no idea. He says "come back when you can tell me the answer".

She bounds out of the office. As she runs through the waiting room someone asks her how the interview went.

I'm hired!!! They've already got me working a murder case!!!

bmb777 Nov 16, 2011 08:02 AM

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

illinirazorback Nov 16, 2011 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bmb777 (Post 483434)
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

I'd be home nightly by 6.

NV Illini 74 Nov 23, 2011 03:09 PM

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy looks down and said,
"Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed,
so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you."

"If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg."
"If you break his wing, I'll break your arm."
"Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you."
"So, what are you gonna do with him?"

The little boy said, "I guess
I'll just kiss his a$$ and let him go!"

;)

"May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,and may your
Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL, ESPECIALLY ILLINI FANS ! ! ! !

GO ILLINI and LONG LIVE THE CHIEF ! ! ! !

NV Illini 74 Nov 27, 2011 11:15 AM

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly, a gallon."

illinirazorback Nov 27, 2011 07:46 PM

Illinois Football

JDY Nov 29, 2011 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirazorback (Post 488929)
Illinois Football

Thanks, I spit out my coffee on that one...

bmb777 Nov 29, 2011 05:28 PM

A wife buys her husband a dozen underwear of the same color. The husband protested saying "Why buy the same color? People will think I never change my underwear." The wife asked "what people?" There was total silence.

mdonsbach Dec 1, 2011 07:04 PM

Here is one in the spirit of Christmas. Warning don't have a mouth full of ice cream while reading:

Last night after decorating the tree, I put out Ben's Little People nativity scene. He played with Baby Jesus, Joseph, and Mary all night. He held one up and said, "Who is this one, Mommy?" I said, "Joseph." He asked, "Who is this one, Mommy?" I replied, "Mary." Then he held up Baby Jesus and asked, "Who is this, Mommy?" I answered, "That's Baby Jesus." Ben looks at me and says, "That's right. It is Jesus. But it's not Jesus Christ, cuz that's a bad word."..

bmb777 Dec 2, 2011 03:48 PM

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You durn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
"See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

wpr Dec 2, 2011 05:33 PM

sounds like my wife's family from Tennessee.

mdonsbach Dec 2, 2011 05:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bmb777 (Post 492450)
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You durn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
"See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

The sad thing is I was reading this like I was from the South and I am not :laugh:

NV Illini 74 Dec 27, 2011 07:58 AM

Wife's Diary v. Husband's Diary

Wife's Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Husband's Diary:

A four putt; who the hell four putts!

wpr Dec 27, 2011 12:39 PM

Funny every time I see it.

When we were younger I kept telling my wife she reads a whole lot more into things. I am not that smart/complicated/whatever to do that. What you see is what you get. There is nothing going on on an other level. She didn't believe me for about 20-25 years. Then she realized men are pretty stupid when it comes to relationships and she calmed down. Much to my relief.

Now I can get back to my subtle innuendos and mind games and she won't realize it.

bmb777 Dec 28, 2011 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wpr (Post 504941)
Funny every time I see it.

When we were younger I kept telling my wife she reads a whole lot more into things. I am not that smart/complicated/whatever to do that. What you see is what you get. There is nothing going on on an other level. She didn't believe me for about 20-25 years. Then she realized men are pretty stupid when it comes to relationships and she calmed down. Much to my relief.

Now I can get back to my subtle innuendos and mind games and she won't realize it.


I think it was Bill Engvall that said when it comes to relationships, men are basic and have 3 needs. eating. sleeping. sex.

bmb777 Dec 29, 2011 12:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NV Illini 74 (Post 504753)
Wife's Diary v. Husband's Diary

Wife's Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Husband's Diary:

A four putt; who the hell four putts!


I remember ron white had a golf joke. said his dogs names were birdie and eagle. friend asked if they were named after his golf game? he replied if they were named after my golf game they would be named triple bogey and where the hell's that ball going.

theOriginalBluesBrother Dec 29, 2011 06:34 AM

Ha! I love hearing Tater Salad.

wpr Dec 29, 2011 07:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by theOriginalBluesBrother (Post 505773)
Ha! I love hearing Tater Salad.

I love it when he tells us that his dog is trying to get the bad taste of his wife's cooking out of its mouth by licking its rump.

wpr Jan 2, 2012 03:40 PM

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net...68679730_n.jpg

bmb777 Jan 3, 2012 07:28 AM

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) 'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great!

Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.'
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, 'Who was that?'
'Oh' she replies, 'That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.'

Illinois21 Jan 3, 2012 08:27 PM

There was this guy who have been wanting a tattoo for a while. He never gotten one because he was nervous. One day after work he finally decided to get a tattoo. He went into the parlor and the artist welcomes him in. The artist tells him to look around and just let him know what design he has decided and where at. There was no pause and the guy said "I already know what I want and where I want it." The artist was shocked, "Well what do you want and where at?" Replies the guy, "I want a $100 bill on my privates." The artist is utterly shocked by this and agrees but they had to go in a private room..........After a few hours and once the tattoo is complete the artist asks, "Why did you want that tattoo and why of all places there?" The guy replies, "There are three reasons why I wanted this, 1. I like to see money grow 2. I like to play with money 3. My wife can blow $100 bill like no other."

wpr Jan 25, 2012 10:49 AM

Winston Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.

wpr Jan 25, 2012 10:51 AM

more Churchillisms:
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it

Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.

Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.

He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath. (Referring to Charles De Gaulle)

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.

illinirazorback Feb 2, 2012 08:09 PM

What men have to deal with. Daily.

http://i.imgur.com/Bii55.jpg

Huizy2 Feb 4, 2012 09:24 PM

How can you tell the difference between an introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer?

While talking to you, the extroverted engineer stares at your shoes.


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