Jokes

gibb52 · Nov 9, 2011, 08:23 PM

Stunning Blonde applies for an FBI job. She goes for an interview. Her interviewer says "I'm just going to start with a few simple questions"

Who's buried in Grant's Tomb? She thinks for quite a while, then says "Grant, I think".
"Splendid" comes the reply

"What color are blueberries"? Blue! Blue! she blurts.

Who shot Abraham Lincoln? She cannot answer, has no idea. He says "come back when you can tell me the answer".

She bounds out of the office. As she runs through the waiting room someone asks her how the interview went.

I'm hired!!! They've already got me working a murder case!!!

bmb777 · Nov 16, 2011, 08:02 AM

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

illinirazorback · Nov 16, 2011, 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bmb777

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

I'd be home nightly by 6.

NV Illini 74 · Nov 23, 2011, 03:09 PM

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy looks down and said,
"Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed,
so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you."

"If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg."
"If you break his wing, I'll break your arm."
"Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you."
"So, what are you gonna do with him?"

The little boy said, "I guess
I'll just kiss his a$$ and let him go!"

"May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,and may your
Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL, ESPECIALLY ILLINI FANS ! ! ! !

GO ILLINI and LONG LIVE THE CHIEF ! ! ! !

NV Illini 74 · Nov 27, 2011, 11:15 AM

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly, a gallon."

illinirazorback · Nov 27, 2011, 07:46 PM

Illinois Football

JDY · Nov 29, 2011, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirazorback

Illinois Football

Thanks, I spit out my coffee on that one...

bmb777 · Nov 29, 2011, 05:28 PM

A wife buys her husband a dozen underwear of the same color. The husband protested saying "Why buy the same color? People will think I never change my underwear." The wife asked "what people?" There was total silence.

mdonsbach · Dec 1, 2011, 07:04 PM

Here is one in the spirit of Christmas. Warning don't have a mouth full of ice cream while reading:

Last night after decorating the tree, I put out Ben's Little People nativity scene. He played with Baby Jesus, Joseph, and Mary all night. He held one up and said, "Who is this one, Mommy?" I said, "Joseph." He asked, "Who is this one, Mommy?" I replied, "Mary." Then he held up Baby Jesus and asked, "Who is this, Mommy?" I answered, "That's Baby Jesus." Ben looks at me and says, "That's right. It is Jesus. But it's not Jesus Christ, cuz that's a bad word."..

bmb777 · Dec 2, 2011, 03:48 PM

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You durn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
"See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

wpr · Dec 2, 2011, 05:33 PM

sounds like my wife's family from Tennessee.

mdonsbach · Dec 2, 2011, 05:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bmb777

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You durn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
"See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

The sad thing is I was reading this like I was from the South and I am not :laugh:

NV Illini 74 · Dec 27, 2011, 07:58 AM

Wife's Diary v. Husband's Diary

Wife's Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Husband's Diary:

A four putt; who the hell four putts!

wpr · Dec 27, 2011, 12:39 PM

Funny every time I see it.

When we were younger I kept telling my wife she reads a whole lot more into things. I am not that smart/complicated/whatever to do that. What you see is what you get. There is nothing going on on an other level. She didn't believe me for about 20-25 years. Then she realized men are pretty stupid when it comes to relationships and she calmed down. Much to my relief.

Now I can get back to my subtle innuendos and mind games and she won't realize it.

bmb777 · Dec 28, 2011, 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wpr

Funny every time I see it.

When we were younger I kept telling my wife she reads a whole lot more into things. I am not that smart/complicated/whatever to do that. What you see is what you get. There is nothing going on on an other level. She didn't believe me for about 20-25 years. Then she realized men are pretty stupid when it comes to relationships and she calmed down. Much to my relief.

Now I can get back to my subtle innuendos and mind games and she won't realize it.

I think it was Bill Engvall that said when it comes to relationships, men are basic and have 3 needs. eating. sleeping. sex.

bmb777 · Dec 29, 2011, 12:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NV Illini 74

Wife's Diary v. Husband's Diary

Wife's Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Husband's Diary:

A four putt; who the hell four putts!

I remember ron white had a golf joke. said his dogs names were birdie and eagle. friend asked if they were named after his golf game? he replied if they were named after my golf game they would be named triple bogey and where the hell's that ball going.

theOriginalBluesBrother · Dec 29, 2011, 06:34 AM

Ha! I love hearing Tater Salad.

wpr · Dec 29, 2011, 07:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by theOriginalBluesBrother

Ha! I love hearing Tater Salad.

I love it when he tells us that his dog is trying to get the bad taste of his wife's cooking out of its mouth by licking its rump.

wpr · Jan 2, 2012, 03:40 PM

bmb777 · Jan 3, 2012, 07:28 AM

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) 'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great!

Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.'
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, 'Who was that?'
'Oh' she replies, 'That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.'

Illinois21 · Jan 3, 2012, 08:27 PM

There was this guy who have been wanting a tattoo for a while. He never gotten one because he was nervous. One day after work he finally decided to get a tattoo. He went into the parlor and the artist welcomes him in. The artist tells him to look around and just let him know what design he has decided and where at. There was no pause and the guy said "I already know what I want and where I want it." The artist was shocked, "Well what do you want and where at?" Replies the guy, "I want a $100 bill on my privates." The artist is utterly shocked by this and agrees but they had to go in a private room..........After a few hours and once the tattoo is complete the artist asks, "Why did you want that tattoo and why of all places there?" The guy replies, "There are three reasons why I wanted this, 1. I like to see money grow 2. I like to play with money 3. My wife can blow $100 bill like no other."

wpr · Jan 25, 2012, 10:49 AM

Winston Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.

wpr · Jan 25, 2012, 10:51 AM

more Churchillisms:
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it

Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.

Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.

He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath. (Referring to Charles De Gaulle)

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.

illinirazorback · Feb 2, 2012, 08:09 PM

What men have to deal with. Daily.

Huizy2 · Feb 4, 2012, 09:24 PM

How can you tell the difference between an introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer?

While talking to you, the extroverted engineer stares at your shoes.

Dec 2, 2011, 05:33 PM	#86
wpr Location: Northern frontier of Illini Country Posts: 4,380	sounds like my wife's family from Tennessee. __________________ One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Dec 27, 2011, 12:39 PM	#89
wpr Location: Northern frontier of Illini Country Posts: 4,380	Funny every time I see it. When we were younger I kept telling my wife she reads a whole lot more into things. I am not that smart/complicated/whatever to do that. What you see is what you get. There is nothing going on on an other level. She didn't believe me for about 20-25 years. Then she realized men are pretty stupid when it comes to relationships and she calmed down. Much to my relief. Now I can get back to my subtle innuendos and mind games and she won't realize it. __________________ One does not simply walk into Mordor. Last edited by wpr; Dec 27, 2011 at 12:42 PM.

Dec 29, 2011, 06:34 AM	#92
theOriginalBluesBrother Location: living it large in the ATL Posts: 1,220	Ha! I love hearing Tater Salad. __________________ Just like the spelling, with I-l-l-i-n-o-i-s (Football) there is no "D" and a very little "o".

Jan 2, 2012, 03:40 PM	#94
wpr Location: Northern frontier of Illini Country Posts: 4,380	__________________ One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Jan 25, 2012, 10:49 AM	#97
wpr Location: Northern frontier of Illini Country Posts: 4,380	Winston Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds? Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course… Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds? Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?! Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price. __________________ One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Nov 9, 2011, 08:23 PM	#76
gibb52 Posts: 688	Stunning Blonde applies for an FBI job. She goes for an interview. Her interviewer says "I'm just going to start with a few simple questions" Who's buried in Grant's Tomb? She thinks for quite a while, then says "Grant, I think". "Splendid" comes the reply "What color are blueberries"? Blue! Blue! she blurts. Who shot Abraham Lincoln? She cannot answer, has no idea. He says "come back when you can tell me the answer". She bounds out of the office. As she runs through the waiting room someone asks her how the interview went. I'm hired!!! They've already got me working a murder case!!!

Nov 16, 2011, 08:02 AM	#77
bmb777 Banned Location: Southeast IL Posts: 3,417	A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Nov 23, 2011, 03:09 PM	#79
NV Illini 74 Posts: 5,279	HAPPY THANKSGIVING A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?" The boy replied, "What turkey?" The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm." The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!" The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you." "If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg." "If you break his wing, I'll break your arm." "Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you." "So, what are you gonna do with him?" The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his a$$ and let him go!" "May your stuffing be tasty May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy have never a lump. May your yams be delicious And your pies take the prize,and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!" HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL, ESPECIALLY ILLINI FANS ! ! ! ! GO ILLINI and LONG LIVE THE CHIEF ! ! ! !

Nov 27, 2011, 11:15 AM	#80
NV Illini 74 Posts: 5,279	A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly, a gallon."

Nov 27, 2011, 07:46 PM	#81
illinirazorback Banned Location: Savoy, IL Posts: 3,195	Illinois Football

Nov 29, 2011, 05:28 PM	#83
bmb777 Banned Location: Southeast IL Posts: 3,417	A wife buys her husband a dozen underwear of the same color. The husband protested saying "Why buy the same color? People will think I never change my underwear." The wife asked "what people?" There was total silence.

Dec 1, 2011, 07:04 PM	#84
mdonsbach Location: Bethalto, IL Posts: 1,292	Here is one in the spirit of Christmas. Warning don't have a mouth full of ice cream while reading: Last night after decorating the tree, I put out Ben's Little People nativity scene. He played with Baby Jesus, Joseph, and Mary all night. He held one up and said, "Who is this one, Mommy?" I said, "Joseph." He asked, "Who is this one, Mommy?" I replied, "Mary." Then he held up Baby Jesus and asked, "Who is this, Mommy?" I answered, "That's Baby Jesus." Ben looks at me and says, "That's right. It is Jesus. But it's not Jesus Christ, cuz that's a bad word."..

Dec 2, 2011, 03:48 PM	#85
bmb777 Banned Location: Southeast IL Posts: 3,417	In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You durn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Dec 27, 2011, 07:58 AM	#88
NV Illini 74 Posts: 5,279	Wife's Diary v. Husband's Diary Wife's Diary Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Husband's Diary: A four putt; who the hell four putts!

Jan 3, 2012, 07:28 AM	#95
bmb777 Banned Location: Southeast IL Posts: 3,417	A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) 'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.' She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, 'Who was that?' 'Oh' she replies, 'That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.'

Jan 3, 2012, 08:27 PM	#96
Illinois21 Banned Posts: 186	There was this guy who have been wanting a tattoo for a while. He never gotten one because he was nervous. One day after work he finally decided to get a tattoo. He went into the parlor and the artist welcomes him in. The artist tells him to look around and just let him know what design he has decided and where at. There was no pause and the guy said "I already know what I want and where I want it." The artist was shocked, "Well what do you want and where at?" Replies the guy, "I want a $100 bill on my privates." The artist is utterly shocked by this and agrees but they had to go in a private room..........After a few hours and once the tattoo is complete the artist asks, "Why did you want that tattoo and why of all places there?" The guy replies, "There are three reasons why I wanted this, 1. I like to see money grow 2. I like to play with money 3. My wife can blow $100 bill like no other."

Jan 25, 2012, 10:51 AM	#98
wpr Location: Northern frontier of Illini Country Posts: 4,380	more Churchillisms: Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea. Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk. Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober. Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet. Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands. He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath. (Referring to Charles De Gaulle) The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative. __________________ One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Feb 2, 2012, 08:09 PM	#99
illinirazorback Banned Location: Savoy, IL Posts: 3,195	What men have to deal with. Daily.

Feb 4, 2012, 09:24 PM	#100
Huizy2 Location: Ballwin, MO Posts: 8	How can you tell the difference between an introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer? While talking to you, the extroverted engineer stares at your shoes.