Jokes

illynifan34 · Feb 5, 2012, 08:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Huizy2

How can you tell the difference between an introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer?

While talking to you, the extroverted engineer stares at your shoes.

Wow really funny.

:rolleyes:

wpr · Feb 5, 2012, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illynifan34

Wow really funny.

:rolleyes:

be nice. I don't see you posting any jokes.

Wokker · Feb 5, 2012, 08:40 PM

Cats VS Dogs

Dog's outlook on life: You feed a dog, you pet a dog, you love, care for, and devote your life to a dog. You must be God.

Cat's outlook on life: You feed a cat, you pet a cat, you love, care for, and devote your life to a cat. IT must be God.

danielb927 · Feb 5, 2012, 11:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wpr

be nice. I don't see you posting any jokes.

I'm an engineer and I chuckled. I'll take my job out of college for a few wise-cracks any day

bmb777 · Feb 6, 2012, 01:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wokker

Cats VS Dogs

Dog's outlook on life: You feed a dog, you pet a dog, you love, care for, and devote your life to a dog. You must be God.

Cat's outlook on life: You feed a cat, you pet a cat, you love, care for, and devote your life to a cat. IT must be God.

I saw a picture recently that showed a dog, and the dog said "OMG you're home, I'm so happy!!!"

and a picture of a cat, and the cat said "oh....you've returned.....feed me now"

wpr · Feb 14, 2012, 12:11 PM

A young city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "Okay then, just unload the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him"?

Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer says.

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." Kenny said.

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey"?

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't anyone complain"? the farmer asked.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

wpr · Feb 14, 2012, 12:17 PM

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

bmb777 · Feb 15, 2012, 12:37 AM

on my facebook theres a thing that is "Evansville watch", they monitor police, fire and EMS radio traffic on scanners and then post things on facebook. one of them tonight was very funny.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

EvansvilleWatch

‎519 N Main @ Bookmart: Theft just occured. Stole lingerie, Love cuffs, and Lube per caller. -Kristi-

Like · · Share · 2138 · 26 minutes ago

NV Illini 74 · Feb 18, 2012, 11:31 AM

Getting things done:

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up. A minute later, I rang again. "Hello," I said, "I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them."

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: "I thought you said you'd shot them."

To which I replied: "I thought you said there was no one available."

wpr · Feb 18, 2012, 11:43 AM

makes me laugh every time I read this one.

wpr · Feb 21, 2012, 08:49 AM

Thought of the day- Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?

NV Illini 74 · Feb 21, 2012, 10:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wpr

Thought of the day- Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?

Yes, one day a year. But you missed it.

NV Illini 74 · Feb 23, 2012, 08:37 AM

NO SEX Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major glanced at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

wpr · Feb 28, 2012, 10:41 AM

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

wpr · Feb 28, 2012, 10:42 AM

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

NV Illini 74 · Feb 28, 2012, 10:52 AM

:laugh:

wpr · Feb 28, 2012, 10:52 AM

this happened a few years ago:

Quote:

This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:

All signs metric
Next 20 miles

wpr · Feb 28, 2012, 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NV Illini 74

:laugh:

It kind of fits in with your signature NV.

cmore · Feb 28, 2012, 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wpr

this happened a few years ago:

I really enjoyed that one.

bmb777 · Mar 2, 2012, 04:14 PM

What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me, I'm going in!

Illinois21 · Mar 6, 2012, 06:47 PM

What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant snookie have in common?

Some dumba$$ forgot to pull it out in time.

bmb777 · Mar 14, 2012, 01:28 AM

http://www.nochucknorris.com/

wpr · Mar 14, 2012, 09:29 AM

This is not a joke but I laughed so hard when I heard it.

I have a nephew who is 18 years old. My brother and S-I-L are divorced and have been for more than 10 years. He grew up living with my brother and only went to see his mother for a day or two at a time.

My nephew graduated HS and went to Phoenix to live with his older brother and his family. My nephew has been pretty hard on my brother over the past couple of years. He thinks he has been unjustly held back in life. yada yada.

Even though he thinks he is one of the smartest people to ever walk the earth since getting to AZ he has been learning a few things of the more important things in life.

The other day he learned that you don't eat ALL the premium chocolate that was painstakingly hidden. It just MIGHT be your sister in law's chocolate that she indulges herself with when she is having a very hard day or worse yet, when it is her "special time of the month". Man did he get a butt chewing.

It is so funny when a know it all 18 year learns what REAL life is all about.

AzIlliniFan · Mar 17, 2012, 12:02 AM

Is this the same nephew that you/someone posted about a year or so ago that wanted to move to Colorado or someplace out West here?

wpr · Mar 17, 2012, 08:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AzIlliniFan

Is this the same nephew that you/someone posted about a year or so ago that wanted to move to Colorado or someplace out West here?

yes. he ran off to CO while on Christmas break his Jr year. Not clothing. Just wearing a tshirt and running shorts. no food. a few power bars or something. no money. no head. you know what Walter would say. dumb ---

Feb 14, 2012, 12:11 PM	#106
wpr Location: Northern frontier of Illini Country Posts: 4,332	A young city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "Okay then, just unload the dead donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him"? Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer says. "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." Kenny said. A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey"? "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00." "Didn't anyone complain"? the farmer asked. "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." __________________ One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Feb 14, 2012, 12:17 PM	#107
wpr Location: Northern frontier of Illini Country Posts: 4,332	An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." __________________ One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Feb 18, 2012, 11:31 AM	#109
NV Illini 74 Posts: 5,279	Getting things done: Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up. A minute later, I rang again. "Hello," I said, "I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them." Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said: "I thought you said you'd shot them." To which I replied: "I thought you said there was no one available." __________________ "I may not be as strong as I think," the old man said, "But I know many tricks and I have resolution."

Feb 18, 2012, 11:43 AM	#110
wpr Location: Northern frontier of Illini Country Posts: 4,332	makes me laugh every time I read this one. __________________ One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Feb 21, 2012, 08:49 AM	#111
wpr Location: Northern frontier of Illini Country Posts: 4,332	Thought of the day- Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale? __________________ One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Feb 5, 2012, 08:40 PM	#103
Wokker Location: "The Good Land", WI Posts: 1,002	Cats VS Dogs Dog's outlook on life: You feed a dog, you pet a dog, you love, care for, and devote your life to a dog. You must be God. Cat's outlook on life: You feed a cat, you pet a cat, you love, care for, and devote your life to a cat. IT must be God.

Feb 15, 2012, 12:37 AM	#108
bmb777 Banned Location: Southeast IL Posts: 3,417	on my facebook theres a thing that is "Evansville watch", they monitor police, fire and EMS radio traffic on scanners and then post things on facebook. one of them tonight was very funny. --------------------------------------------------------------------- EvansvilleWatch ‎519 N Main @ Bookmart: Theft just occured. Stole lingerie, Love cuffs, and Lube per caller. -Kristi- Like · · Share · 2138 · 26 minutes ago

Feb 23, 2012, 08:37 AM	#113
NV Illini 74 Posts: 5,279	NO SEX Since 1955 A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major glanced at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now." __________________ "I may not be as strong as I think," the old man said, "But I know many tricks and I have resolution."

Feb 28, 2012, 10:41 AM	#114
wpr Location: Northern frontier of Illini Country Posts: 4,332	A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella." __________________ One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Feb 28, 2012, 10:42 AM	#115
wpr Location: Northern frontier of Illini Country Posts: 4,332	A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall." __________________ One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Feb 28, 2012, 10:52 AM	#116
NV Illini 74 Posts: 5,279	:laugh: __________________ "I may not be as strong as I think," the old man said, "But I know many tricks and I have resolution."

Mar 2, 2012, 04:14 PM	#120
bmb777 Banned Location: Southeast IL Posts: 3,417	What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I'm going in!

Mar 6, 2012, 06:47 PM	#121
Illinois21 Banned Posts: 186	What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant snookie have in common? Some dumba$$ forgot to pull it out in time.

Mar 14, 2012, 01:28 AM	#122
bmb777 Banned Location: Southeast IL Posts: 3,417	thats freaking awesome http://www.nochucknorris.com/

Mar 14, 2012, 09:29 AM	#123
wpr Location: Northern frontier of Illini Country Posts: 4,332	This is not a joke but I laughed so hard when I heard it. I have a nephew who is 18 years old. My brother and S-I-L are divorced and have been for more than 10 years. He grew up living with my brother and only went to see his mother for a day or two at a time. My nephew graduated HS and went to Phoenix to live with his older brother and his family. My nephew has been pretty hard on my brother over the past couple of years. He thinks he has been unjustly held back in life. yada yada. Even though he thinks he is one of the smartest people to ever walk the earth since getting to AZ he has been learning a few things of the more important things in life. The other day he learned that you don't eat ALL the premium chocolate that was painstakingly hidden. It just MIGHT be your sister in law's chocolate that she indulges herself with when she is having a very hard day or worse yet, when it is her "special time of the month". Man did he get a butt chewing. It is so funny when a know it all 18 year learns what REAL life is all about. __________________ One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Mar 17, 2012, 12:02 AM	#124
AzIlliniFan Posts: 2,058	Is this the same nephew that you/someone posted about a year or so ago that wanted to move to Colorado or someplace out West here?