A Fairy Tale (relayed from the front)

Once upon a time, a Navy Pilot asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!!”

So the pilot lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, made many deployments, got good promotions and duty stations and made love to skinny big-breasted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to men's clubs and dated women half his age and drank Whiskey, Beer, Tequila, Rum, did shooters and Flaming Hookers and hosed cheerleaders, almost movie stars, barmaids and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work or on a deployment and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank, never heard !!!!!ing and never paid child support or alimony, and left the toilet seat up.

The End
Not really jokes but funny comments I have seen on the internet:

Please use the comments to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data, ability to repeat discredited memes, and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Also, be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor even implied. Any irrelevancies you can mention will also be appreciated. Lastly, kindly forgo all civility in your discourse . . . you are, after all, anonymous.
or heard on the radio

What you say is the most insanely idiotic thing I have ever heard. It is devoid of any rational thought. We are all dumber for having listened to your comments.
Southeast IL
Not really jokes but funny comments I have seen on the internet:

or heard on the radio
also not really a joke, but earlier this week I made my facebook status as "I think gas pumps are rigged to go 1 cent over what you want" well my cousin had a funny reply. he said "I think gas pumps are rigged to bend me over and give me a gasoline enema"
Montgomery, IL
or heard on the radio
That's actually from the Adam Sandler movie, Billy Madison:

Mr. Madison, what you've just said ... is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
I was born at a very early age
Taking cue from Dayton's post, here are some funny insults :)

If you move to Scout forum, you'll increase the average IQ of both the message boards

Well I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

The plural of anecdote is not data

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know. (Lincoln).

I wish Stanley Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never lived (Churchill).

I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said (Buckley)
Southeast IL
A pre-med student takes an examination and the last question is: Give four advantages of breast milk.

The student begins to answer the question: No need to sterilize bottles, healthier for the child, available whenever necessary. But the fourth point escapes him. With a minute left to finish the test he gives a desperate answer: Available in attractive containers.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,"by check."

"I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Webermen are Gentlemen
Originates from the movie Good Will Hunting (f word taken out)

You know, I was on this plane once, and I’m sittin there, and the captain gets on and does his whole you know “we’ll be cruising at 35,000 feet,” but then he put puts the mic down and forgets to turn it off. And he turns to the co-pilot and he’s like “you know, all I could use right now is a blow job and a cup of coffee.” So the stewardess goes bombing up from the back of the plane to tell him that his microphone’s still on and this guy in the back of the plane’s like “hey hun, don't forget the coffee”
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?

......You don't know! You weren't there man! You'll never know!
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?

......You don't know! You weren't there man! You'll never know!
very poor taste. but ill admit i still laughed. good joke.
Ormond Beach
Gangster’s tattoo showing murder scene leads to his conviction
If Anthony Garcia wasn't regretting that huge tattoo inked across his chest before, he sure must be now. That's because it was the Los Angeles gangster's body art that tipped off law enforcement to his role in an unsolved murder--and ultimately helped lead to his conviction. In short, as Los Angeles Times reporter Robert Faturechi notes, Garcia drew cops a map of the crime scene--on himself. It's not unusal for gang members to get tattoos that reference events in their lives--either symbolically or literally--as a way to impress their peers. But Homicide Lt. Dave Dolson said a tattoo that actually laid out its owner's involvement in an unsolved murder was something new.
Northwoods of Wisconsin
Just got this from one of my old UI roommates:

My wife and I are sitting on the deck enjoying a spring day.

She says, "I love you."

Of course I ask, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me............. talking to the wine."
Ormond Beach
12 uncomfortably sexual company logos

A logo is the graphic representation of a brand, but for these companies, "graphic" is an understatement. It's actually pretty remarkable how many of these unsubtle innuendos slipped past the companies who approved them. They clearly need to hire more perverts.

Brazilian Institute of Oriental Studies

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HQ for Perry/Christie 2012
My personal fave:

Q: Why does it take a woman longer to reach orgasm than it does a man?

A: Who cares?
Southeast IL
Two guys are talking, when first guy asks second guy what would you do if a nuclear bomb was going to explode and kill everyone in half an hour? Second guy says I would screw the first thing that moved, he then asks first guy what would you do? First guy says I would stand very very still for half an hour.
Southeast IL
A guy is suffering from severe headaches. The doctor says "I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."
An elderly couple were sitting in chairs on their front porch. The wife was knitting and her husband reading the newspaper. They had done this every evening for years. Most evenings they didn't talk very much.
One evening they had been sitting there for about an hour without speaking when the wife reached over and hit her husband just as hard as she could knocking him out of his chair an on to the porch. His paper went one direction and his glasses in another. He picked himself up, grabbed his glasses and pulled the paper back together. He sat back down and for the longest time he didn't say anything. Finally after about 15 minutes he looked over at his wife and asked her what that was for.
"That was for being such a lousy lover for all these years." And she went on knitting. Her husband didn't say a word. He went back to reading his paper. Finally after about a half an hour he smacked her with the back of his hand knocking her out of her chair. Her knitting ball rolled off the porch. Her glasses into the nearby planter.
She picked herself up, pulled her self together and sat back down. After a little while her curiosity got the better of her and she asked her husband what that was for.
He replied, "That was for knowing the difference."
Southeast IL
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him, as they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, let’s go to my apartment....I hear somebody coming.

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'my ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts. They are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my buns are firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...That was me.'
Southeast IL
2 jokes.

and old man is stopped for speeding at 2am. the officer asks him where is he going at 2am? he tells the cop he's going to a lecture about alcohol abuse, stopping smoking, and staying out too late. officer asks him who is giving that lecture at 2am? the man replies, my wife.

and 2nd joke

Little Johnny’s father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

‘I don’t want to know,’ Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused his father asks what is wrong. ‘Oh daddy,’ Johnny sobs. ‘At age six I got the “there is no Santa” speech. At age seven I got the “there is no Easter bunny” speech. Then at age eight you hit me with the “there is no tooth fairy” speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really screw, I’ve got nothing left to live for.”
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

(Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)
Savoy, IL
Very Short Story

Woman driving down road.
Man driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Man yells out window, PIG!
Woman yells out window, A$$HOLE!
Woman rounds next curve.
Woman crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:

If women would just listen.
A cold front moves in and a little bird realizes he should have migrated south some time ago.
Frantically, the bird takes off, but soon his wings begin icing over, and he crashes into a farmer's field.
Near death, a cow passes by a $hit$ on the bird.
Bemoaning his fate, the bird soon discovers that the $hit has thawed his wings, and he would survive and soon be on his way again!
Overjoyed, the little bird begins to sing a happy song.
Hearing this, the farmer's cat tracks down the source of the music and eats the bird.

There are no less than 3 morals to this story:

1. He who $hits on you is not necessarily your enemy;
2. He who gets you out of the $hit is not necessarily your friend; and
3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of $hit... KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT ! !