Jokes

"The Good Land", WI
Cats VS Dogs

Dog's outlook on life: You feed a dog, you pet a dog, you love, care for, and devote your life to a dog. You must be God.

Cat's outlook on life: You feed a cat, you pet a cat, you love, care for, and devote your life to a cat. IT must be God.
 
Southeast IL
Cats VS Dogs

Dog's outlook on life: You feed a dog, you pet a dog, you love, care for, and devote your life to a dog. You must be God.

Cat's outlook on life: You feed a cat, you pet a cat, you love, care for, and devote your life to a cat. IT must be God.
I saw a picture recently that showed a dog, and the dog said "OMG you're home, I'm so happy!!!"

and a picture of a cat, and the cat said "oh....you've returned.....feed me now"
 
A young city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "Okay then, just unload the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him"?

Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer says.

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." Kenny said.

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey"?

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't anyone complain"? the farmer asked.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
 
An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
 
Southeast IL
on my facebook theres a thing that is "Evansville watch", they monitor police, fire and EMS radio traffic on scanners and then post things on facebook. one of them tonight was very funny.
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EvansvilleWatch

‎519 N Main @ Bookmart: Theft just occured. Stole lingerie, Love cuffs, and Lube per caller. -Kristi-

Like · · Share · 2138 · 26 minutes ago
 
Getting things done:

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up. A minute later, I rang again. "Hello," I said, "I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them."

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: "I thought you said you'd shot them."

To which I replied: "I thought you said there was no one available."
 
makes me laugh every time I read this one.
 
Thought of the day- Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
 
NO SEX Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major glanced at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
 
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
 
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
 
this happened a few years ago:

This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:

All signs metric
Next 20 miles
 
Southeast IL
What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me, I'm going in!
 
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant snookie have in common?

Some dumba$$ forgot to pull it out in time.
 
This is not a joke but I laughed so hard when I heard it.

I have a nephew who is 18 years old. My brother and S-I-L are divorced and have been for more than 10 years. He grew up living with my brother and only went to see his mother for a day or two at a time.

My nephew graduated HS and went to Phoenix to live with his older brother and his family. My nephew has been pretty hard on my brother over the past couple of years. He thinks he has been unjustly held back in life. yada yada.

Even though he thinks he is one of the smartest people to ever walk the earth since getting to AZ he has been learning a few things of the more important things in life.

The other day he learned that you don't eat ALL the premium chocolate that was painstakingly hidden. It just MIGHT be your sister in law's chocolate that she indulges herself with when she is having a very hard day or worse yet, when it is her "special time of the month". Man did he get a butt chewing.

It is so funny when a know it all 18 year learns what REAL life is all about.
 
Is this the same nephew that you/someone posted about a year or so ago that wanted to move to Colorado or someplace out West here?
 
Is this the same nephew that you/someone posted about a year or so ago that wanted to move to Colorado or someplace out West here?
yes. he ran off to CO while on Christmas break his Jr year. Not clothing. Just wearing a tshirt and running shorts. no food. a few power bars or something. no money. no head. you know what Walter would say. dumb ---