Jokes

yes. he ran off to CO while on Christmas break his Jr year. Not clothing. Just wearing a tshirt and running shorts. no food. a few power bars or something. no money. no head. you know what Walter would say. dumb ---
Well he obviously survived the ordeal. Hopefully he learned something. Some of us just learn things at a different pace than others. I have a 40 YO brother who is still stuck with the mindset of a 25 year old. Not in a good way mind you. He will probably be 50 before he can say he's held a job for a year straight. Heck, I've fired him myself 3 different times over the years! :tsk:
 
This joke has a few different versions. This is the one my aunt told me last night.

A company was looking to hire a new employee. The HR Director had interviewed a number of candidates. At the end of the day there were still 3 men left to interview. He told them that he was sorry he had to do it in this manner but he wanted to interview them all at the same time.

So he went through the interview process with all of them and at the end he said he had one question for them. He wanted to know what man’s greatest invention was.

The first man said it had to be the wheel. Mankind has used a form if it in many application and made life easier.

The second man said it had to be space travel. Whether they are manned flights or unmanned flights sending vehicles into space has pulled the heavens closer to us and made the universe a smaller place.

The third man said he thought it was the thermos bottle. The HR director was a little surprised. “Did you say the thermos”? “Yes sir I did”. The HR director asked why is the thermos such a great invention.

The gentleman said, “Well in the morning you can put hot coffee in it and all day long when you pour yourself a cup it is nice and hot”. The HR man acknowledged that was so. He continued, “And if you put iced tea into the thermos it is nice and cold all day long”. “That is correct. But how does that make it the greatest invention ever”?

The third man asked, “How does it know”?

What makes this a great story is that my aunt told me that years ago she told this to my elderly grandmother. My aunt then asked me if I could guess what my grandmother’s question was. I thought she would ask how the thermos did know. Nope. My grandmother asked “Who got the job”?
 
Southeast IL
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.

In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. I can't believe how materialistic you high rolling' lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else. How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer. The cop replied, didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you. OH MY GOD, screamed the lawyer, My Rolex!!!!
 
Advantages of a GUN over WIFE

#10 – You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 – You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.

#8 – If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 – Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 – Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 – A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.

#4 – Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 – A gun doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?”

#2 – A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST

#1 – You can buy a silencer for a gun
 
A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door. The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!".

"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"
 
Frank

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.
He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab,
things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and
you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always
seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and
make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was
always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one
could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: 'Well...I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his f***ing wife."
 
Southeast IL
I met a fairy today. She said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its !!!!"

"You crafty little bastard," said the fairy.
 
I met a fairy today. She said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its !!!!"

"You crafty little bastard," said the fairy.
Well played !!
 
a conservative, a liberal and an independent walk into a bar, bartender looks up and says "hi Mitt"
 
Southeast IL
A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, and a Mercedes

CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen, Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.

Just send the bottle back!!!
 
This was one of my dad's favorite jokes. When he first heard it he roared. He had tears in his eyes from laughing so hard. Whenever I hear this one I think of Dad.


Reggie owned an elephant, but the cost of feeding it was getting out of hand. Then he got an idea. He had seen an elephant lift one leg, and even two legs. Once in a circus he'd even seen an elephant lift three legs in the air and stand just on one. So he announced to the world that he would pay ten grand to anyone who could make his elephant get all four legs into the air at the same time. However in order to try each person must pay $100. People came from near and far. They tried everything from coaxing to hypnotism, but no one could make the elephant rise up in the air. Then one day a blue convertible drove up and a little man got out and asked " are you the one offering ten grand to anyone who can make this elephant get all four legs off the ground at the same time?" Reggie replied "yes, but you've got to pay 100 dollars to try." The man handed Reggie a 100 dollar bill. Went to his car and took out two bricks. He walked up the elephant, looked him in the eye. Then walked around to the back of the elephant smacking the bricks together as hard as he could on the elephant’s jewels. The elephant let out a roar and flew up in the air. The little man collected his money and went on his way.

Reggie was very depressed. He had only taken in $8000 and now he not only lost a couple of grand but still had the problem of feeding and housing and housing the elephant. Then Reggie came up with another idea. He had never seen an elephant move his head from side to side. So again he announced that he would pay anyone who could make his elephant move his head from side to side ten grand, but you have to pay $100 to try. Again people came from near and far paying $100 but of course none succeeded. This went on for a couple of years when a familiar blue convertible pulled up. The same little man asked Reggie "are you offering ten grand to anyone who can make your elephant move his head from side to side?" Reggie replied "yes, but you've got to pay $100 to try and you can’t use any bricks." The man handed Reggie a 100 dollar bill. He walked up to the elephant and asked, "Do you remember me?" The elephant nodded by shaking his head up and down. "Do you want me to do it again?" The elephant quickly shook his head...no.
 
Kelso, WA
What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete barrier?





"Dam!"
:hand:
 
Southeast IL
a woman is on a tour of the white house when she slips and falls on her butt. Obama helps her stand up and says now mam I can assume you will vote for me? the woman replies I fell on my butt, not on my head.
 
Kelso, WA
The Worst Pun I Have Ever Heard:

I call my girlfriend "cookie" because she's been a wafer so long.
 
Southeast IL
A man had a hobby of hitting lawyers with his car every time one happened to cross his path.

The man sees a priest hitchhiking on the side of the road, so he picks him up and says: "where to father" the priest replies, "the church". On the way, the man sees a lawyer and swerves to hit him, he then remembers he has a priest in the car and tries to miss the lawyer but he still hears a thud.

The man says to the priest: "I'm sorry father, I almost hit that lawyer" the priest says "It's ok, I got him with the door"
 
I always laugh at that one. ;)