Jokes

Southeast IL
From the Washington Post Style Invitation:

It was postulated that English, like many foreign languages, should have male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason. Here are the best submissions:

ZIPLOC BAGS - Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Also because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed and it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - Female, (Ha! You thought I'd say male). But consider: it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
 
Milan, Illinois
Wife's Diary v. Husband's Diary

Wife's Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
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Husband's Diary:

A four putt; who the hell four putts!
That is very funny
 
Southeast IL
Wife is like a TV,

Girlfriend is like a MOBILE.

At home you watch TV,

But when you go out you take your MOBILE.

No money, you sell the TV,

Got money you change your MOBILE.

Sometimes you enjoy TV,

But most of the time you play with your MOBILE.

TV is free for life,

But for the MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated.

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old,

But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable.

Operational costs for TV is often acceptable,

But for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding.

TV has a remote,

MOBILE doesn't.

Most importantly, MOBILE is a two-way communication (you talk and listen),

But with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not).

Last but not least...TVs don't have viruses,

But MOBILEs often do!




I've said it before, I'll say it again. Thank God my wife doesnt read this board :thumb:
 
Mississippi
Anyone like Anti-Jokes?

-----

Knock knock

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom.
 
Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time).

They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out?"

His friend said, "Well, we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number."

Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after.

"Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked.

His friend said with a small chuckle, "We haven't heard that one before."
 
Middletown, IL
All right. Got one....you may have heard it before:

Doctor is sitting in his office with his head in his hands. He is very distraught.

"I should have never slept with one of my patients. I have violated every oath I've ever taken."

A few hours pass and he's still very distraught over the incident.

Finally...a little angel appears on his shoulder.

"Don't worry, my child. You aren't the first to have an affair with a patient and you won't be the last. You are forgiven. Don't be so hard on yourself."

The doctor starts to feel a little bit better then but the devil appears on his other shoulder.

"I suppose you are gonna tell me something similar?" The doctor asks the devil.

"NO, you sick freak, you're a vetrenarian!"
 
Orange Krush Class of 2013
Stanford, CA
Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time).

They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out?"

His friend said, "Well, we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number."

Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after.

"Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked.

His friend said with a small chuckle, "We haven't heard that one before."
I always heard that one as nobody laughs, and then his friend tells him it's because "some people can tell 'em and some people can't".
 
got this off a British website.

Many years ago as a student I took a summer job working in my local greengrocers shop. Towards the end of a busy day, a hatchet-faced lady came in and after looking around, she looked down her nose and said “I’d like a savoy cabbage please.”. I replied, ”I’m sorry madam but we’ve run out of cabbage today, would you like a cauliflower?”

The lady huffed and puffed and said “But I want a savoy cabbage”. I tried to sound sympathetic and replied, “I am sorry, its been a very busy day and we have no cabbage, would you like to try some broccoli”

Once again the lady huffed and puffed and repeated now in a very cross tone that suggested the shortage was my fault, “I said I wanted a savoy cabbage”. “I am sorry madam” I responded, again trying to be helpful, “what about some spinach or chard ?”

Now the lady became very angry and almost spat out the words, slowly and meanly…”I told you I wanted a savoy S….A….V…O….Y cabbage you idiot”.

I looked at her carefully, “Madam, I told you we have no ..C…A…B…B…A…F…G….E cabbage !” She glared at me “ You idiot, there’s no F in cabbage…!”

I replied very slowly, “Madam, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for the past five minutes!”
 
not so much of a joke but still humorous.

 
Two producers in Hollywood having lunch. First producer says, "Hey, I finally got that movie in production. Gonna be huge."

Second producer says, "Who you working with?"

First producer says, "Well I'm all set with the Director. I got Spielberg."

Second producer says, "Whoa! Steven Spielberg?"

First producer says, "No. Bobby Spielberg - great kid just outta film school. And I got Streep for the female lead."

Second producer says, "Really. Meryl Streep."

First producer says, "No. I wish. It's Rebecca Streep. She's mostly done B movies, but she's good."

Second producer says, "What about the male lead?"

First producer says, "I've got Kutcher."

Second producer says, "Ashton Kutcher?"

First producer says, "Yeah."
 
How to grow tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
 
Cup of tea-

One day my grandma was out, and my grandpa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my grandma came home.

My grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a grandma would know),

"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
 
Southeast IL
I stole this joke from Uiba99, she had it on her facebook.




A lawyer dies and is waiting at the gates of Heaven when God shows up and tells him that everyone is given a choice. they may spend eternity in Heaven or in Hell and they may take a day in each before they make their decision. The lawyer spends his first day in Heaven. Everything is very peaceful, beautiful and care-free. Everyone simply lays about on clouds in comfort for all eternity. The lawyer thinks it is all very nice. The lawyer then travels down to Hell. In Hell he meets many of his old friends around a beautiful bar where the finest drinks are being poured. His friends greet him warmly and the day is spent in many sorts of exciting activity, eating great food and just having the the most entertaining time the lawyer has ever known. His day is finished and he is sent back up to the gates of Heaven. God asks the lawyer how he wishes to vote. the lawyer says, "God, I like it very much up here in Heaven, but my friends are all in Hell. We had the most wonderful day together and I think I'd very much like that to continue for eternity. Thank You, but my vote is for an eternity in Hell." God accepts his vote and the lawyer is sent immediately to Hell. The lawyer is greeted by an inferno, a lake of acid, acrid air and the screams of torment coming from all of his friends. The lawyer turns to Satan and asks, "How can this be? This isn't what hell was like yesterday? What happened to all the fun? The promises of an eternity of merriment?" Satan replied, "Yesterday we were campaigning, THIS is what you voted for!"
 
Tiny Illini
The basement of the Alamo
Well, as long as you gave me credit! ;)
 
Southeast IL
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine.=

I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
 
bmb I heard it years ago. I laughed so hard I almost cried. It is one of my favorites. Thanks for reminding me of it. :thumb:
 
Webermen are Gentlemen
Savoy
This made me laugh off of Gilbert Gottfried's Dirty Jokes:

A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, 'I could put you up for one night, but you'll have to stay in the barn.' So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, 'Were you comfortable?' He goes, 'I had a great time; I talked to all the animals.' He goes, 'You talked to the animals?' He goes, 'Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six.' He goes, 'That's exactly right.' He says, 'The horse tells me his name is Otis, you've owned him for 10 years.' He goes, 'That's incredible.' And he goes, 'I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep.' And the farmer goes, 'Those sheep are lying.'
 
Kelso, WA
Speaking of salesmen and animals--A sign in the front yard of a fenced house:

Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
 
a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks the horse, why the long face?