Guyz, let's be honest with ourselves! Our pathetic program won't be able to attract anybodyz worthwhile. Cuonzo and Keattz dissed us and now they're going to win NCAA championships for Missouri and NC State while we languish in the hot tar of self-loathing and eternal mediocrity. Bennett, Marshall, and Archie wouldn't even deign to take a phone call from Whitmanz, unless it was to receive a desperate Illinois offer that they could leverage in negotiations with other suitors. They probably text each other and laugh about it! "Ill-annoy offered me $5 million, but no way Jose am I going to that foul smelling basketball purgatory! LOLZROFLMFAO!" We'll end up with another John F. Groce in all likelihood and spend the next two decades gazing up I-57 enviously at perennial tournament team Northwestern University. Or if we hire Bryce Drew or Monty Williamz they'll probably fail miserably (do those dorks even know how to coach basketball?? Monty missed the NBA playoffs).
Sorry, couldn't resist the opportunity for satire. Some of you guys need to see a professional about your kicked puppy complex. We're going to hire someone awesome and then win a bunch of games, make a bunch of tournaments, and maybe win a national title. Everything is fine. Goodnight!