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Old Jan 31, 2010, 10:27 PM   #1
illinirazorback
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Don't know if this has been done, but every now and then I come across a great joke to share with my friends. Don't really want to start a new thread for each joke, so I thought maybe a thread dedicated to jokes would be fun. Naturally, crude jokes welcome...


A man seeking to join a south Texas sheriffs dept. is being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
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Old Jan 31, 2010, 10:32 PM   #2
4ever
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Quote:
Originally Posted by illinirazorback View Post
Don't know if this has been done, but every now and then I come across a great joke to share with my friends. Don't really want to start a new thread for each joke, so I thought maybe a thread dedicated to jokes would be fun. Naturally, crude jokes welcome...


A man seeking to join a south Texas sheriffs dept. is being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
:laugh::laugh:

On a serious note but still very funny. Once when we were taking job applications for a patrolmans posistion, this knucklehead comes in and asks for an app. We give him one. He has an extensive crim history including driving while license suspended. He gets to the part where it says "who to contact in case of emergency" he replies "AMBULANCE"....:laugh::laugh:

No kidding..saw the app myself.
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Old Jan 31, 2010, 10:37 PM   #3
illinirazorback
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 4ever View Post
:laugh::laugh:

On a serious note but still very funny. Once when we were taking job applications for a patrolmans posistion, this knucklehead comes in and asks for an app. We give him one. He has an extensive crim history including driving while license suspended. He gets to the part where it says "who to contact in case of emergency" he replies "AMBULANCE"....:laugh::laugh:

No kidding..saw the app myself.
:laugh: I'm sure there's an appropriate joke about all cops here somewhere....
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Old Jan 31, 2010, 10:53 PM   #4
4ever
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Originally Posted by illinirazorback View Post
:laugh: I'm sure there's an appropriate joke about all cops here somewhere....
bring it on... I think I have heard em all. Ok, how about a donut joke.
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Old Jan 31, 2010, 11:06 PM   #5
illinirazorback
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Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home in Iowa... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ed did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ed was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'Ed! Wake up! You sh!t the bed!'
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Old Feb 3, 2010, 07:28 PM   #6
cmore
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
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Old Feb 3, 2010, 08:18 PM   #7
Illini1956
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How do you keep a fish from smelling?







Hold its nose.
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Old Feb 3, 2010, 08:31 PM   #8
cmore
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh
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Old Feb 3, 2010, 09:44 PM   #9
ilphotog
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http://www.ncbuy.com/humor/jokes_view.html?jkv=12201

http://www.ncbuy.com/humor/jokes_view.html?jkv=10408

Last edited by ilphotog; Feb 3, 2010 at 09:53 PM.
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Old Feb 4, 2010, 12:12 AM   #10
davidlee930
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what do you call a deer with no ears

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Old Feb 4, 2010, 12:12 AM   #11
davidlee930
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d

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Old Feb 4, 2010, 07:43 AM   #12
KBLEE
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Did you hear the one about the guy who went to the psychiatrist's office dressed only in Saran Wrap?



The psychiatrist looked at him and said, "I can clearly see your nuts."
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Old Feb 4, 2010, 10:08 AM   #13
NV Illini 74
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Quote:
Originally Posted by illinirazorback View Post
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home in Iowa... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ed did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ed was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'Ed! Wake up! You sh!t the bed!'
Awesome. Razor!!
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Old Feb 4, 2010, 11:36 AM   #14
danielb927
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Hey, I thought of a bad one in chem today:

Q: What did the power plant owner leave his kids?

A: The family Joules.
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Old Feb 4, 2010, 11:42 AM   #15
illinirazorback
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Originally Posted by danielb927 View Post
Hey, I thought of a bad one in chem today:

Q: What did the power plant owner leave his kids?

A: The family Joules.


:laugh:
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Old Feb 4, 2010, 12:11 PM   #16
illynifan34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by danielb927 View Post
Hey, I thought of a bad one in chem today:

Q: What did the power plant owner leave his kids?

A: The family Joules.
Nerd joke. I love it!

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Old Feb 4, 2010, 01:35 PM   #17
bmb777
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 4ever View Post
:laugh::laugh:

On a serious note but still very funny. Once when we were taking job applications for a patrolmans posistion, this knucklehead comes in and asks for an app. We give him one. He has an extensive crim history including driving while license suspended. He gets to the part where it says "who to contact in case of emergency" he replies "AMBULANCE"....:laugh::laugh:

No kidding..saw the app myself.
well the man is stupid lol. but I suppose when you are stupid, putting ambulance under who to contact in case of emergency would be correct. unless of course the emergency is you are on fire(and when you are that stupid odds are 50/50 you will set yourself on fire at least one point in your life) you would want to contact fire dept. and not ambulance.
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Old Feb 4, 2010, 03:56 PM   #18
danielb927
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Originally Posted by illynifan34 View Post
Nerd joke. I love it!
That's one semester of UIUC Engineering school at its finest
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Old Feb 5, 2010, 05:33 AM   #19
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Jokes, huh...


Okay. Jeopardy style: Jokes.

What are "Governors of Illinois not named Edgar?"


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Old Feb 7, 2010, 05:15 PM   #20
Illini1956
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A woman applying for a job at a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."
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Old Feb 8, 2010, 12:10 AM   #21
IlliniSteve
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Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?




Because his pecker is on his head!
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Old Feb 13, 2010, 09:00 PM   #22
Illini1956
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When the Police Officer asks you, "Have you been drinking? Your eyes are red."

Don't reply, "Have you been eating donuts,? Your eyes are glazed."
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Old Feb 13, 2010, 09:30 PM   #23
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What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?


A small medium at large.
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Old Mar 3, 2011, 08:42 PM   #24
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As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nuthin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment ye set foot in th' place, they'll buy ye a drink, then another, all the drinks ye like, actually. Then, when ye've had enough drinks, they'll take ye upstairs and see dat ye gets laid, all on th' house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" -they asked.

"Well Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times ..."
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Old Mar 3, 2011, 09:58 PM   #25
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It was a cold autumn evening. Sven and Hans were fishing from a small skiff in Minnesota. Both decided it was time to relieve themselves over the railing.

A short while later as they stood side by side Hans looked at Sven and proclaimed, "Sven, the water is cold tonight."

Glancing at Hans, Sven countered, "Aye, and Deep."

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