Love whatever sport you like, as many as you like. Just know that their performance is sometimes a Divine Comedy.
ILLINI NINE CIRCLES OF DANTE’S INFERNO
SLUSH FUND – you achieve mediocre results despite paying your players. Your prayers for assistance are answered with Jim Valek.
GROCE RECRUITING – you are cursed to wander the earth, fettered in heavy chains, searching in vain for a point guard.
BRUCE PEARL – you are forced to push a Chevy Blazer uphill forever, but it always rolls back down over you.
BECKMAN LASAGNA – alternating layers of cheese, pasta, and chewing tobacco. Hey, if you take out just three layers of tobacco, you’d be a winner.
2005 CHAMPIONSHIP GAME – you are pounded by Sean May for eternity. Saint James of Augustine is attacked by three black-and-white-striped demons.
IDKWTI – you must watch Shaun Pruitt shoot free throws until judgement day.
1989 FINAL FOUR GAME – third appearance by a Sean / Shaun here…your attempts to box Higgins out fail for all time.
1997 FOOTBALL SEASON – no matter what you try you can never win. You almost wish Tepper was back, and this thought sears what is left of your soul.
AUSTIN PEAY – you must stand on your head and listen to Dick Vitale talk about Duke forevermore.